Gluten slave

MONDAY:  This mornings breakfast consisted of a lot of mmmm’s & ahhhh’s!  We ALL had fruit smoothies, 1 veggie pattie & 1 wheat & gluten free waffle. SUNDAY: I think I read somewhere that people should have a protein shake before every meal. I Googled protein smoothie vs fruit smoothie & decided to go with the fruit.

1. I didn’t want to spend a gazillion dollars on protein powder.

2. I didn’t want Chloe walking around saying I pick things up & put them down.

3. I don’t know how the protein powders would affect the girls. But whatever. So I ask the children their opinion on having a smoothie before every meal to help fill them, thus eating less food! We came to the realization that every meal wasn’t going to work. Breakfast yes. There was no way it could work for lunch, because they’re at school. Before dinner was a strong maybe. Chloe then decides that she doesn’t like smoothies.  Me: Chloe, when have you ever had a smoothie? Her: umm, remember, umm, BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH, I don’t know, but I don’t think that I like it!………Bitch, what? Seriously? Me: for such a picky child, you should seriously be bony! Her: bitch, what? Seriously?
Online I find recipes that are gluten & dairy free(I’ll tell you why later). We’re all excited about the varieties of fruit smoothies we can make. I go to target first. I’m looking for gluten free(I’ll tell you why in a little bit) waffles, pasta, flour. Anything? I only find waffles. I also buy blackberries & raspberries(neither of which I’ve ever eaten). I figure I can toss it in a smoothie & it will be ok. I then go to my local Pathmark, also looking for anything that doesn’t contain wheat(didn’t I say that I would tell you shortly). Gluten free flour-NO. Gluten free pasta-NO. Waffles-NO. Sigh!!!!! I buy milk, coconut milk and then I hit the produce aisle. I get pineapple, bananas, strawberries, mangoes, watermelon, granny smith apples, spinach & cantaloupe. There was a listeria or e-coli scare with cantaloupe not too long ago, so I’m a little apprehensive. Deciding whether to die from obesity or a food born illness is a toss up. I KID, I KID. I was also looking for dairy free yogurt. SOLD OUT! Seriously? Yup! Whatever! Back home we go!
Back to Monday: Chloe is the first to try her banana strawberry smoothie & she loves it. She actually says “I can have this everyday!” I’m all shock & awe! After that & her breakfast, she announces that she is…….wait for it……FULL! Wow, let’s hope this is the breakthrough that I needed. Chanei also enjoys a large glass & is full!
Spring of 2011, I started breaking out in hives & started having trouble breathing. My PCP drew my blood to test for possible allergens. The test came back positive for cats, mold, shrimp, dust, roaches, DOGS & WHEAT among other things.  Dogs, you say! I work with two of the most sheddingest(Yeah, sheddingest. I coined that term.)dogs on the planet.  My boss has two Shiba Inu dogs. TWO!! In his defense, since I started breaking out, he has bought an air purifier, he keeps the dogs away from my desk(sometimes) and he bought an arsenal of homeopathic allergy medication for moi.  He’s done everything except leave the dogs home.Whatever!

Wheat, you say! Everything has wheat in it. EVERYTHING!!! I need to now embrace a gluten free lifestyle! AARRGGGHHH!! NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Whatever!

I was sent to an allergist, where I was first tested for environmental allergens. I cannot begin to name the amount of things I’m allergic to. I was pricked in each arm with 24 different allergens. That is 48 pin marks. 48!!! I was allergic to all! Breathing tests were done, and revealed that I have allergy induced asthma. I was given a prescription for an inhaler, an epi-pen & some allergy medication. Food tests are administered & I don’t react as badly to that. The Dr. suggests I start immunotherapy. I’m handed a pamphlet & given another appointment for some other torture tests. Of course I go home & do my research on this IM-MU-NO-THERAPY!(BOOMING ANNOUNCER VOICE). I would have to be injected……..wait for it……..with the things I’m allergic to once a week, every week, for a year! What??????? That is some medieval bullshit! What? Then after that first year, I would be injected every other week! I don’t know about all that mess man! To date I still haven’t started immunotherapy. The hives have calmed down some, but not enough to keep me a happy camper.

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